Step 1: Health

No I haven't gone to rehab since finishing up at work. But leaving my job and spending time at home to try and recuperate from my worsening mental illnesses feels like rehabilitation of some sort. Week One The first week of my sabbatical felt like a warm cosy blanket. After working or heavily dealing with like seven days a week for 18 plus months to sleeping in, staying in my pyjamas all day and doing whatever the hell I wanted at any hour of the day felt like bliss. It felt so relaxing to all of a sudden not be pushed by a to-do list or a deadline of some sort. I spent my first week cooking, which is something I love to do and had not done properly in over a year as I'd been relying on take away or my husband or convenience food like lite n easy to get by. I read books and I spent a lot of time watching tv series. The Handmaid's Tale - if you haven't watched that yet, do yourself a favour and watch it. It is fantastic and unique and eye opening and so well made.

Depression Depression feels like a black cloud hovering above your head, following you wherever you go. You can't really see it in front of or above you, but you know it's there, not letting you escape. Depression is feeling like you will never be able to crack a smile or laugh ever again. Your partner tries to make you laugh. You try to make yourself laugh by watching comedians on youTube at 2 in the morning once the insomnia has well and truly settled in, night after night. Nothing. No smile. Not even a smirk. Anxiety Anxiety is a giant tidal wave that hasn't folded yet right in your forefront. It does build. You feel it. You feel the wave rising slowly. Then it teeters right at it's peak. You know that point before a wave folds and smashes into the shore? That's where it sits, facing you, for what feels like eternity. It sits there for day. Sometimes weeks. It feels about ten feet higher than you. And you go about your day, wondering when this wave is going t

Last week was an incredible week. I know I had said in a previous post that I'd quit my job. I had. However this amazing opportunity presented itself. I decided to have a bit of a "career advice" type catch up with the new COO in our company. She's new to the company but I already felt drawn to her and her work style. I don't report to her but I had some observed a massive change in the people who did work for her, and for the better. She gave me some invaluable tips. She also nudged me to propose to my boss a pitch a new role I could do that would benefit the business. Underneath the pitch itself would be a job I wanted. Essentially you're convincing the company to give you the job you want by telling it how it would benefit them. Now this is not in a "use & abuse"/"rort the system" type way. This is a win - win proposal. So I took her advice - I did it, and I got the job. A new contract role created just for me. Incredible. I

This week is my week in between 12wbt rounds. I'm currently off work at the moment having a week to myself (best decision ever!). So I thought what better thing to do while I'm gearing up for the new round, tackling all of the pre-season tasks and trying to get my mind into the space it needs to be in for a new round, was to look back on the last round and maybe get a little closure and reflect. OUUUUCHHHHHH February 2015 Round Results: Week 12 Fitness Test I finally finally FINALLY broke the 1 minute mark on wall sits. These things are not nice (see right), and since I started 12wbt in 2011 I have never been able to hold that pose for over 1 minute. This round I finally did it!! I think it's because I've been training with my partner once a week doing weighted squats. I'm getting stronger so my leg strength is improving. I'm loving it! I closed with a fitness score of 48 (out of 100). This is only a few scores behind my PB of 51. I achieved t

I am not looking forward to doing this post one little bit. I dread it. In fact, I feel sick in the stomach as I am writing it. Do you ever feel so sick about something that you get this massive lump in your throat? I imagine this big gun metal grey (don't ask me why on the colour) big cement disc sitting in the back of my throat. Making it hard to swallow. Take a deep breath Lauren. Emotional eating. There, I said it. I know I've spoken about this many times before. Unfortunately this is not something that goes away easily. It's relentless. I had a fantastic week last week. I was killing it. 1200-1500 cals every day. Smashing it on the exercise. DOMS most days. I could feel my legs getting stronger. Before my weigh in I was so apprehensive but so excited because I had put the work in. Weigh in Wednesday - 69.7kgs. YES! A 1.1kg loss. Amazing. Well, not that amazing when the reality is if you do the work you get the results. But amazing that I&#

Reality hit me this week. The end of my London life is creeping up faster and faster. My partner and I are planning on finishing work late August, then commencing our huge summer trip before flying back to Australia for good. That means there's just over 4 months until my summer trip!! About 18 months ago my goal (wish) was to comfortably wear a bikini on said trip whilst lying on the beach of one of the Greek Islands. I say wish because I didn't really do anything about a plan to make this goal happen. I haven't worn a bikini since I was about 16. And then it was in the privacy of my back yard when no one was home. Put it this way - I've never publicly worn a bikini. In fact, the last time I wore even a one piece swimsuit in public was swimming laps with a close friend years ago. And then I wore board shorts to cover my thighs until I got in the water, took them off whilst in the pool and left them on the edge of the lane we were swimming laps in, then put them back on