Self Sabotage
Well I really haven't had a good start to the program this round. And I keep beating myself up about it. As well as using all of my old excuses "I just need this week to get through this rough patch, then I'll get back on track". "It's Friday, the bad week is over, I'll just make a fresh start on Monday when the next week starts." I know this is the wrong thought process. I've been through the analysis of my excuses before and know they are just wrong. I just need to cut the crap.
So I listened to Michelle's self sabotage video. Making notes as it went on. I've listened to this video before, in the last round, and recognised that I do indulge in self saboteur activities, but I never sat down and analysed it in the way she sets out for us to do it. One of my promises to myself this round was to really focus on the mindset lessons. To work through the steps we are given, to try and get to the bottom of why I do some of the things I do, and why I have never really been successful in a weight loss journey. So, being true to my word, here is my thoughts coming out of the self sabotage video:
Step 1: Recognise whether you are a true self saboteur or if you just haven't honed some skills yet.
I think I can recognise that I am a true self saboteur. I was very successful in the last round of 12wbt, losing 10kgs. I also had big sights on losing more in between that round and this. And then continuing my weight loss streak during this round. I fell apart towards the end of the last round, and did not manage to get back on the horse. I didn't fall off completely, I've managed to lose another 3kgs since last round, and only put 500grams of that back on. Not too bad. But I'm stuck. Getting back into the groove is proving to be tough. And the way I'm making myself stuck - is through giving into my excuses and binging. Surely they are self sabotaging activities?? Because I have the skills of knowing what my excuses are, and what the solutions are, I just don't follow through. There is something deep seeded that I am giving in to which is beyond what I know is the right thing to do. I wanted this weight loss so bad for myself four months ago. Now there are deeper feelings that are taking me off my focus. And I don't know how to stop them.
So yes, I believe I can recognise that I am a self saboteur.
Step 2: Understand where your self worth issues are coming from.
Wow. I have never ever sat down and thought about just how much self worth I have. But now I realise - not that much. I've done alot of things in my life, or let alot of things happen to myself, that show me just how low my self worth is.
1. The binge eating & binge alcohol drinking. Recently I came to the realisation that this was how I identified myself. I don't really enjoy drinking anymore. My body tells me it doesn't enjoy it. When I drink, I don't feel well. My body is telling me to stop. But among my friends I am known as a hard core party person. Someone who goes out hard and drinks as much as she can. This is how I identified myself among my friends. And now that I don't want to do it I am scared to spend time with them. That is so bizarre to think that. And say it out loud.
2. Flogging myself for my job. I put in such long hours for a job I despised. I put myself so far low on the priority list in comparison to my job. That shows me just how low I valued myself.
3. I have never ever been happy about my body from quite a young age. And I look back on photos of myself of when I was young, and my body was fine. I had a completely distorted image of it.
4. I rarely push myself outside of my comfort zone because I am just too plain scared. I am scared of the discomfort it brings. And I am scared of what others think of me.
I found this quote online: "Babies are born knowing their self-worth; as life moves on, the comments, expectations, and attitudes of other people can wear down this natural sense of self-worth."
I love it. It is so true. I believe my self worth issues come from my upbringing and my fear of being seen as weak or failing. This is all a result of other people, or of what I think of other people.
During my upbringing, my mother was very critical of my weight. Constantly saying to me that she was worried I was going to be obese when I was older, that I needed to lose weight. She would cry and say she just wishes I could be thinner and hoped I didn't put on too much more weight. Every time I ate something bad she would make little digs at me. I think this is where I developed into the habit of whenever I ate bad food to hide it from others. To avoid the bad words I would hear if my mother saw me eating these foods. Because to this day, any bad food I eat, I hide it. The rubbish from it - if I can dispose of it without someone else seeing, I will do it. I only eat the bad food in secret. When I can get away with eating it with no one watching.
I also believe my lack of action to making my life better, and my self sabotaging activities stem from a fear of being weak or failing. I am struggling to see where these thoughts are originating from. But over the past few years I have noticed a lowering of my confidence over time. I am scared to put myself out there. To meet new people. To try new things. And I believe that in turn, this has lowered my self worth. I put too much weighting of my self worth in the responses from other people. I am waiting for their approval. For their validation. Yet I avoid doing anything that could lead to them giving me either validation or disapproval. I don't trust my own judgement of my own actions. And I am so disappointed in myself when I stop and think about the fact that I do this.
I just think it all boils down to the fact that I am just plain scared. Scared of what I can achieve. Scared of what I can't achieve. And scared of all the hiccups along the way. I want smooth sailing. I've had so many ups and downs in my childhood, that maybe I am just tired of them and want a life with less peaks and troughs? But that is not a reality and I need to accept that. If anything surely the peaks that come with the troughs are a blessing and what life is about?
I think I will leave it there for tonight. I feel like a massive weight has lifted off my shoulders by just sitting down with my thoughts and writing them down as they come to me. I will work on the next couple of steps over the next couple of days. In the meantime though, here is a really interesting article I found, that could really help those out there that have self-worth issues or doubts. I know this is something I will need to work on over time, but these steps really point out to me all the areas of my own life and development that I have let slide, which accumulate to where I have gotten my mindset on my self-worth to this day.
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Worth
So I listened to Michelle's self sabotage video. Making notes as it went on. I've listened to this video before, in the last round, and recognised that I do indulge in self saboteur activities, but I never sat down and analysed it in the way she sets out for us to do it. One of my promises to myself this round was to really focus on the mindset lessons. To work through the steps we are given, to try and get to the bottom of why I do some of the things I do, and why I have never really been successful in a weight loss journey. So, being true to my word, here is my thoughts coming out of the self sabotage video:
Step 1: Recognise whether you are a true self saboteur or if you just haven't honed some skills yet.
I think I can recognise that I am a true self saboteur. I was very successful in the last round of 12wbt, losing 10kgs. I also had big sights on losing more in between that round and this. And then continuing my weight loss streak during this round. I fell apart towards the end of the last round, and did not manage to get back on the horse. I didn't fall off completely, I've managed to lose another 3kgs since last round, and only put 500grams of that back on. Not too bad. But I'm stuck. Getting back into the groove is proving to be tough. And the way I'm making myself stuck - is through giving into my excuses and binging. Surely they are self sabotaging activities?? Because I have the skills of knowing what my excuses are, and what the solutions are, I just don't follow through. There is something deep seeded that I am giving in to which is beyond what I know is the right thing to do. I wanted this weight loss so bad for myself four months ago. Now there are deeper feelings that are taking me off my focus. And I don't know how to stop them.
So yes, I believe I can recognise that I am a self saboteur.
Step 2: Understand where your self worth issues are coming from.
Wow. I have never ever sat down and thought about just how much self worth I have. But now I realise - not that much. I've done alot of things in my life, or let alot of things happen to myself, that show me just how low my self worth is.
1. The binge eating & binge alcohol drinking. Recently I came to the realisation that this was how I identified myself. I don't really enjoy drinking anymore. My body tells me it doesn't enjoy it. When I drink, I don't feel well. My body is telling me to stop. But among my friends I am known as a hard core party person. Someone who goes out hard and drinks as much as she can. This is how I identified myself among my friends. And now that I don't want to do it I am scared to spend time with them. That is so bizarre to think that. And say it out loud.
2. Flogging myself for my job. I put in such long hours for a job I despised. I put myself so far low on the priority list in comparison to my job. That shows me just how low I valued myself.
3. I have never ever been happy about my body from quite a young age. And I look back on photos of myself of when I was young, and my body was fine. I had a completely distorted image of it.
4. I rarely push myself outside of my comfort zone because I am just too plain scared. I am scared of the discomfort it brings. And I am scared of what others think of me.
I found this quote online: "Babies are born knowing their self-worth; as life moves on, the comments, expectations, and attitudes of other people can wear down this natural sense of self-worth."
I love it. It is so true. I believe my self worth issues come from my upbringing and my fear of being seen as weak or failing. This is all a result of other people, or of what I think of other people.
During my upbringing, my mother was very critical of my weight. Constantly saying to me that she was worried I was going to be obese when I was older, that I needed to lose weight. She would cry and say she just wishes I could be thinner and hoped I didn't put on too much more weight. Every time I ate something bad she would make little digs at me. I think this is where I developed into the habit of whenever I ate bad food to hide it from others. To avoid the bad words I would hear if my mother saw me eating these foods. Because to this day, any bad food I eat, I hide it. The rubbish from it - if I can dispose of it without someone else seeing, I will do it. I only eat the bad food in secret. When I can get away with eating it with no one watching.
I also believe my lack of action to making my life better, and my self sabotaging activities stem from a fear of being weak or failing. I am struggling to see where these thoughts are originating from. But over the past few years I have noticed a lowering of my confidence over time. I am scared to put myself out there. To meet new people. To try new things. And I believe that in turn, this has lowered my self worth. I put too much weighting of my self worth in the responses from other people. I am waiting for their approval. For their validation. Yet I avoid doing anything that could lead to them giving me either validation or disapproval. I don't trust my own judgement of my own actions. And I am so disappointed in myself when I stop and think about the fact that I do this.
I just think it all boils down to the fact that I am just plain scared. Scared of what I can achieve. Scared of what I can't achieve. And scared of all the hiccups along the way. I want smooth sailing. I've had so many ups and downs in my childhood, that maybe I am just tired of them and want a life with less peaks and troughs? But that is not a reality and I need to accept that. If anything surely the peaks that come with the troughs are a blessing and what life is about?
I think I will leave it there for tonight. I feel like a massive weight has lifted off my shoulders by just sitting down with my thoughts and writing them down as they come to me. I will work on the next couple of steps over the next couple of days. In the meantime though, here is a really interesting article I found, that could really help those out there that have self-worth issues or doubts. I know this is something I will need to work on over time, but these steps really point out to me all the areas of my own life and development that I have let slide, which accumulate to where I have gotten my mindset on my self-worth to this day.
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Worth
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