Drowning
Disclaimer: I apologise in advance for the lack of care in wording the below post. It's not great grammar or writing that really flows at all. I was just feeling strongly and had to get my thoughts down as quickly as they came to me.
Well I feel like I have certainly left myself behind of the pack this round. This is my 2nd round, and now that wk 6 is open I feel sick to the stomach. I don't actually feel like I've really started this round. I don't know what has happened. The first two weeks I was having my last two wks at my job after resigning - so life was mayhem burning the midnight oil to tie up all of my loose ends. I had a wk off to just catch up on my personal life that had been neglected due to a job that consumed my life. Then wks 4 & 5 of the program have been the first two weeks in a new job. And all these sound like big time excuses, but my life has been so unsettled for all of this time. I've been so busy running through to-do lists - bashing out work to finish a job on good terms, then bashing out my personal to-do list before I'm back working. Then now my energy is just consumed with learning a new job. I also find myself in severe financial difficulties, but I don't really stop spending so it's my own fault. Then I start drinking alcohol to block it all out. Then I start eating the crap food because I'm hungover, then when the hang over has gone I'm still eating the bad food because in my mind I've already screwed up so bad, I couldn't do much worse if I kept going. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????
I know what I've done. I didn't do those damn preseason tasks because I was too wrapped up in all the big changes going on in my life. Did you know changing a job is within the top 5 most stressful life situations a person can go through according to research? Up there with the death of a family member and divorce. And I've done it twice in the past 12 months (change jobs). It is slightly stressful. You feel in limbo for a good period of time while you are transitioning. It's almost like walking in the clouds/fairy land for a while there. Anyway, I screwed up. I haven't finished my excuses, written some goals or made a commitment. The most important ones! Well I think those ones are. And now I feel so out of control I don't know where to start to get it all back. Not to mention the other things on my plate - sorting out and committing to a budget to get on top of my debt situation, finding a new apartment for me and my partner to live in, helping my partner find a new job because he is in a similar situation to what I was where his job leads to him being highly stressed, working excessive hours and not having any spare time. Gosh, what else do I have on my plate? Planning my sister's hens night and my own bridesmaid dress. I'm super happy to have those responsibilities, but when life is going on like it is right now, it makes those fun times when you are sharing someone's special moment really tough.
I don't know. I just feel sick to the stomach writing this out. I don't know where to start. I don't know how I've gotten into this mess. I feel like I've messed up so much of this round. And I had gee'd myself up so much before the start of the round - if I pushed hard for just 1 round I could lose all the weight I wanted to lose. But I didn't. I buckled under life's pressures. And now I sit here not being sure of what I have achieved recently, if anything. Although I can't discount the fact that I am now in a good job that the company doesn't use and abuse me. I have to be aware and thankful for that.
I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm drowning.
Well I feel like I have certainly left myself behind of the pack this round. This is my 2nd round, and now that wk 6 is open I feel sick to the stomach. I don't actually feel like I've really started this round. I don't know what has happened. The first two weeks I was having my last two wks at my job after resigning - so life was mayhem burning the midnight oil to tie up all of my loose ends. I had a wk off to just catch up on my personal life that had been neglected due to a job that consumed my life. Then wks 4 & 5 of the program have been the first two weeks in a new job. And all these sound like big time excuses, but my life has been so unsettled for all of this time. I've been so busy running through to-do lists - bashing out work to finish a job on good terms, then bashing out my personal to-do list before I'm back working. Then now my energy is just consumed with learning a new job. I also find myself in severe financial difficulties, but I don't really stop spending so it's my own fault. Then I start drinking alcohol to block it all out. Then I start eating the crap food because I'm hungover, then when the hang over has gone I'm still eating the bad food because in my mind I've already screwed up so bad, I couldn't do much worse if I kept going. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????
I know what I've done. I didn't do those damn preseason tasks because I was too wrapped up in all the big changes going on in my life. Did you know changing a job is within the top 5 most stressful life situations a person can go through according to research? Up there with the death of a family member and divorce. And I've done it twice in the past 12 months (change jobs). It is slightly stressful. You feel in limbo for a good period of time while you are transitioning. It's almost like walking in the clouds/fairy land for a while there. Anyway, I screwed up. I haven't finished my excuses, written some goals or made a commitment. The most important ones! Well I think those ones are. And now I feel so out of control I don't know where to start to get it all back. Not to mention the other things on my plate - sorting out and committing to a budget to get on top of my debt situation, finding a new apartment for me and my partner to live in, helping my partner find a new job because he is in a similar situation to what I was where his job leads to him being highly stressed, working excessive hours and not having any spare time. Gosh, what else do I have on my plate? Planning my sister's hens night and my own bridesmaid dress. I'm super happy to have those responsibilities, but when life is going on like it is right now, it makes those fun times when you are sharing someone's special moment really tough.
I don't know. I just feel sick to the stomach writing this out. I don't know where to start. I don't know how I've gotten into this mess. I feel like I've messed up so much of this round. And I had gee'd myself up so much before the start of the round - if I pushed hard for just 1 round I could lose all the weight I wanted to lose. But I didn't. I buckled under life's pressures. And now I sit here not being sure of what I have achieved recently, if anything. Although I can't discount the fact that I am now in a good job that the company doesn't use and abuse me. I have to be aware and thankful for that.
I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm drowning.
Sweetheart...STOP!
ReplyDeleteYou do sound so totally out of control, and you are the only one that can regain control. So stop hiding behind work, alcohol, poor food choices and accumulating stuff, and get in touch with what's really going on here.
I just want to give you a big hug to help you through this temporary glitch.
You can do this...come on!!
Xx
Wow. Thanks for caring and taking the time to comment rdub.
DeleteYour comment interests me. I'm trying to process what you mean by it. I don't think I fully understand where you are coming from. As I don't feel that I am hiding. I have some big problems I know I need to address. I've recognised this and put it out there on a blog for anyone to see. I think the issue is I'm overwhelmed and I need to settle myself in the chaos and focus on a plan/solution to slowly work my way out of this mess I'm in. I just don't think that is hiding though. I know I'll get back in control. I already feel better just putting it out there. I've had the emotional explosion of all the feelings I was bottling up. Now I've lifted some weight off my shoulders and just need to get back into action. It will all work out.
But I must say I am very appreciative of you taking the time to read my post and share your opinion. It was a lovely comment and made me smile.
Delete