When I binge.........

-
When I binge, it's like another being takes over my body. I am so far gone and out of control that I don't even remember starting the process. Tonight I binged. I admitted it to my partner and he asked me what goes through my head when I get dressed, get my wallet and walk to the shops. I couldn't answer that question. Not because I dont want to - I do, because I know he will try and help me. But I couldn't answer him because, I thought about it for a moment, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what goes through my head, other than I want something "yummy" to eat.

Tonight someone at the shop actually said to me as I was being served by the sales assistant "honey, that is not a healthy dinner". That cut deep. I looked to him like a fat girl who was depressed and was going home to eat. Little did he know his comment burned and I went home and probably did double the damage I would of done had I not felt more upset by his comment. He also had his assumptions of me on his own, not even knowing how far I had come - I've lost 15kgs for christs sake.

I just don't know what I'm meant to do to get back in the drivers seat. I've fallen apart this round, being my second round, and it's just been a slippery slope. The thing that scares me the most is that my binging seems to be an almost out of body experience. I'm not even there. Now where does someone even begin to regain control if it feels like they're not even present?? Im not sure if I have ever felt more helpless.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Week 4 Mini Milestone - Mt Coot-tha Kokoda Track

-
Image
Yesterday marked the last day of week four of the 12wbt. And per Michelle's instructions, we were to take on a mini-milestone challenge. The Queensland 12wbt crew had quite alot of events planned around Brissy for me to choose from, or I could choose to just stick with Mish's planned programs per the site. I thought I better go to an organised event so I pushed myself to the extreme. I opted for the Mt Coot-tha Kokoda Track walk/jog. I had absolutely no idea what I was in for, apart from the fact that Mt Cootha is (stating the obvious).... A MOUNTAIN!! And it was named after the official Kokoda Trail, so that says something. I started the morning following my gps there, getting nice and lost on the way, only to turn up right at 7am - when everyone was getting the run down from the trainers and jogging to begin the warm up. I was slightly embarrassed to turn up late, but then again, at least I didn't give up when I got lost and just drive home and go back to bed. The o
Read more

Drowning

-
Disclaimer: I apologise in advance for the lack of care in wording the below post. It's not great grammar or writing that really flows at all. I was just feeling strongly and had to get my thoughts down as quickly as they came to me. Well I feel like I have certainly left myself behind of the pack this round. This is my 2nd round, and now that wk 6 is open I feel sick to the stomach. I don't actually feel like I've really started this round. I don't know what has happened. The first two weeks I was having my last two wks at my job after resigning - so life was mayhem burning the midnight oil to tie up all of my loose ends. I had a wk off to just catch up on my personal life that had been neglected due to a job that consumed my life. Then wks 4 & 5 of the program have been the first two weeks in a new job. And all these sound like big time excuses, but my life has been so unsettled for all of this time. I've been so busy running through to-do lists -
Read more

And I'm Back in the Game

-
So today's weigh in didn't go too well. I didn't lose anything! On an upside I didn't gain anything either. So I'm still at a 7.4kg loss. Which is still pretty impressive. But to go from losing on average 1kg a week to nothing. Something was wrong. So I followed Mish's advice and did my "audit" of the week gone. I can pin point my non-loss quite easily. It is a combination of the following: I exercised once since the last weigh in - bootcamp. That is it. Not good! Friday night - a shitload of alcohol was drunk and a pizza for dinner - blew my calories way out. The only reason I got away with drinking last time is because I didnt eat dinner. So it is obvious now what works and what doesnt work. Last night - I binged on crap and blew my calories way out. It was pretty damn obvious when I put it down like that. I did some bad things this week. I let my busy-ness at work take me off focus from my goals. Anyway, I know I shouldn't of done those th
Read more