Ground Zero
Depression
Depression feels like a black cloud hovering above your head, following you wherever you go. You can't really see it in front of or above you, but you know it's there, not letting you escape. Depression is feeling like you will never be able to crack a smile or laugh ever again. Your partner tries to make you laugh. You try to make yourself laugh by watching comedians on youTube at 2 in the morning once the insomnia has well and truly settled in, night after night. Nothing. No smile. Not even a smirk.
Anxiety
Anxiety is a giant tidal wave that hasn't folded yet right in your forefront. It does build. You feel it. You feel the wave rising slowly. Then it teeters right at it's peak. You know that point before a wave folds and smashes into the shore? That's where it sits, facing you, for what feels like eternity. It sits there for day. Sometimes weeks. It feels about ten feet higher than you. And you go about your day, wondering when this wave is going to hit that point and fold, and smash you over as it crashes into the shore.
Burnout
Burnout is when your limbs are all of a sudden made of concrete or lead. Having a shower? No thanks. Too hard. Brushing your teeth? Oh really? I dunno. Too hard. Responding to that text message from your good mate wanting to see you? Oh gosh, that means I have to raise my arms to pick up my phone. Let alone move my fingers to type a text. What is this? Kokoda? Going to a hairdressers appointment that's been booked for weeks? Nope. I'm out. Sorry. I'm not interested in climbing Mount Everest. Me and my lead limbs will just stay in bed for the day again.
I was lucky. Six months ago, I scored the trifecta. That's what an 18 month cocktail of moving countries, finding somewhere to live, finding a job, planning a wedding, grieving the death of your two parent-in-laws and supporting your husband through it, and your mother bullying you into having a relationship with her that can only be on her terms, can do to you. Don't forget to add the garnishes of working 12 hour day, 6-7 day weeks for at least 10 of those 18 months and the gradual weight gain that ends up totalling 18kgs. 1 kg a month. SURPRISE!!
It's pretty frightful to me when I list it out like I have above. At the time though, I had no idea what I was doing to myself. Or what was happening to me. I know it can be hard to believe. But I seriously did not see it happening. My subconscious put my blinkers on. To protect me I suppose. Now, I just see something a normal person of sane mind would not have stood for for as long as I did. And I'm in a bit of shock to be honest.
In March 2017 I cracked. I didn't see it coming. I started going to a psychologist to help me manage my time better at work because I thought I was the problem. The moment I started talking about what was happening to me, things came to light, and I cracked. Three weeks stress leave. Although my psych wanted me to have more. That's all I thought I could afford. Back to work I go. Fresh attitude. I'm going to make this work. A couple of months in, I realised I couldn't. I hung in there for the big deadline due at end of August. Then I quit. Nowhere to go. Nothing to go on to. I just quit. For my own sanity.
So here I am. Unemployed, obese, with aches and pains mentally and physically, sad, lonely, tired, lethargic, and lost...
I'm at ground zero.
Depression feels like a black cloud hovering above your head, following you wherever you go. You can't really see it in front of or above you, but you know it's there, not letting you escape. Depression is feeling like you will never be able to crack a smile or laugh ever again. Your partner tries to make you laugh. You try to make yourself laugh by watching comedians on youTube at 2 in the morning once the insomnia has well and truly settled in, night after night. Nothing. No smile. Not even a smirk.
Anxiety
Anxiety is a giant tidal wave that hasn't folded yet right in your forefront. It does build. You feel it. You feel the wave rising slowly. Then it teeters right at it's peak. You know that point before a wave folds and smashes into the shore? That's where it sits, facing you, for what feels like eternity. It sits there for day. Sometimes weeks. It feels about ten feet higher than you. And you go about your day, wondering when this wave is going to hit that point and fold, and smash you over as it crashes into the shore.
Burnout
Burnout is when your limbs are all of a sudden made of concrete or lead. Having a shower? No thanks. Too hard. Brushing your teeth? Oh really? I dunno. Too hard. Responding to that text message from your good mate wanting to see you? Oh gosh, that means I have to raise my arms to pick up my phone. Let alone move my fingers to type a text. What is this? Kokoda? Going to a hairdressers appointment that's been booked for weeks? Nope. I'm out. Sorry. I'm not interested in climbing Mount Everest. Me and my lead limbs will just stay in bed for the day again.
I was lucky. Six months ago, I scored the trifecta. That's what an 18 month cocktail of moving countries, finding somewhere to live, finding a job, planning a wedding, grieving the death of your two parent-in-laws and supporting your husband through it, and your mother bullying you into having a relationship with her that can only be on her terms, can do to you. Don't forget to add the garnishes of working 12 hour day, 6-7 day weeks for at least 10 of those 18 months and the gradual weight gain that ends up totalling 18kgs. 1 kg a month. SURPRISE!!
It's pretty frightful to me when I list it out like I have above. At the time though, I had no idea what I was doing to myself. Or what was happening to me. I know it can be hard to believe. But I seriously did not see it happening. My subconscious put my blinkers on. To protect me I suppose. Now, I just see something a normal person of sane mind would not have stood for for as long as I did. And I'm in a bit of shock to be honest.
In March 2017 I cracked. I didn't see it coming. I started going to a psychologist to help me manage my time better at work because I thought I was the problem. The moment I started talking about what was happening to me, things came to light, and I cracked. Three weeks stress leave. Although my psych wanted me to have more. That's all I thought I could afford. Back to work I go. Fresh attitude. I'm going to make this work. A couple of months in, I realised I couldn't. I hung in there for the big deadline due at end of August. Then I quit. Nowhere to go. Nothing to go on to. I just quit. For my own sanity.
So here I am. Unemployed, obese, with aches and pains mentally and physically, sad, lonely, tired, lethargic, and lost...
I'm at ground zero.
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