Why Do I Suck At Life?

Don't laugh. This is how I really feel. I actually feel like I suck at it. I'm just really no good at it.

To paint a picture: 

• Every morning I am running around like a headless chook trying to get to work on time. Oh I need gym gear? Some of it’s in this room. Some is in that room. The rest is in that pile I've been meaning to clean up for days. Lunch? Oh shit I need to scrape some lunch together. What about my keys? Where did I leave them? Oh crap I forgot to charge my phone last night! Need to find my charger cord so it doesn't die today at work. 
• I almost always eat breakfast on the run because if leave any later I'll be later to work than I already am. I'm a manager too so it kills me inside that I'm setting such a bad example. 
• My only work skirt I have to wear is dirty. I forgot to wash it on wknd. So I'm heading to work in a dirty skirt with marks on it.
• Which brings me to another point - I have needed to buy work clothes for yonks but I just keep avoiding it!
• My back is severely out of place. I can feel it. I need to go back to the chiro. But do you think I make any time to make an appointment? Or even remember to try to do it?
• I had my eyes tested in August last year. Still haven't got around to getting updated lenses/new glasses.
• The only clothes I have in my cupboard to wear on the weekends are jeans that are too short for me. They look dreadful. And I feel so depressed every time I get in them. This is a clothing problem I had when I was obese. I had 1 or 2 things to wear that I felt horrible wearing but they were the best of a bad bunch. Why am I doing this to myself after all the hard work of losing weight and fitting standard sizes again? This has been my situation for almost 12 months now. I just can't get my arse to the shops. Or won't in London I suppose. Huge crowds of people are overwhelming!
• I have been chewing my thumb nail on my right hand for weeks now. I chew it as far as it can go. Plus tear the top layers of skin off from around it. Then chew my nail a bit more. If any of it grows back and recovers I'm right back on top of making it hurt like crazy again. My skin becomes bright red because of how badly I tear away at it. It hurts if it touches anything.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself on this one.

 Even HRH does it!!

•  I’ve barely contacted my friends back in Oz who I miss dearly. I just don't have the energy to write emails or figure out a convenient time to Skype. I haven't emailed my Gran since she emailed me in January and I know this kind of gap upsets her. Yet I still can't bring myself to do it. What is wrong with me? I'm not only hurting myself I'm hurting other people!
•  Every time I'm emotional or have a few slip ups with food/exercise I crash. I went so well last week until Friday when I quit my job. Since Friday I've eaten shit. I've had so much KFC. It's got a hold over me. Ok I know it's actually my fault, not the foods, but there is something strong I just cannot crack. I lost so much weight last week by cleaning up my act, to then weigh 2 kilos heavier the week after. What the hell? How is that even possible? With all else being equal that would mean I've eating 14000 more calories than my body needs. I couldn't even do that if I tried! So why do I weigh so much more? I think this list must weigh 2 kgs and is sitting over my shoulders.
• My diary/phone calendar is filled with all these out of date recurring appointments that now days I just ignore if they go off. I have no organisation in my days whatsoever. I make it to work, just. That's about all I can accomplish.
• My partner does almost all the housework and I just sit on my arse. I think he's beginning to resent me for it. I can't even bring myself to lift a finger and do the dishes.
• I have appointments to make - hair, wax etc. have been meaning to for weeks now.
• I have all these fun exercise activities I want to try - I've even tracked down the venues and prices around London - but haven't booked any of it in?

Goodness. I feel sick blurting that list out. I really do. I really do suck at life. I'm dizzy now. I just can't get my shit together. It's like there is so much to do that I'm paralysed. I've walked into wet cement and I've been standing there looking around wondering what to do for so long that it's dried and I'm stuck.

You know what? You know what I've realised by taking a cold hard look at my day to day attempt to function? I don't believe in myself. I used to. But I don't right now. I lack self-belief and I lack self-confidence. I don't feel like a strong powerful woman. I feel like a rat in a cage. I feel like those mice that run on those wheels.

  "If you treat me like a dog. And keep me locked in a cage. I'm not relaxed or comfortable. I'm aggravation and rage." Powderfinger

This is not healthy. I AM aggravation and rage. I feel it every day. If I'm not angry my head is spinning.

I spend any down time I have reading inspiring peoples' blogs. I'm vicariously trying to live through their life. Instead of living my own. I'm looking to their stories for the solution of my own woes. Which is ridiculous really. I have to look inside not out.

Time to click the Reset button Lauren. It's time to Reboot.

1. Clear your calendar of all these bull shit appointments you made yourself that you no longer follow.
2. Book one small task a day for the rest of the month that is achievable and will whittle down that list above.
3. Research self-worth, self-belief, and self-confidence to determine exactly what you need to do to get there.
4. Start working on those things you found at point 3.

 

You owe this to yourself.