The Post I Didn't Want To Do

I am not looking forward to doing this post one little bit. I dread it. In fact, I feel sick in the stomach as I am writing it. Do you ever feel so sick about something that you get this massive lump in your throat? I imagine this big gun metal grey (don't ask me why on the colour) big cement disc sitting in the back of my throat. Making it hard to swallow.

Take a deep breath Lauren.

Emotional eating. There, I said it. I know I've spoken about this many times before. Unfortunately this is not something that goes away easily. It's relentless.

I had a fantastic week last week. I was killing it. 1200-1500 cals every day. Smashing it on the exercise. DOMS most days. I could feel my legs getting stronger. Before my weigh in I was so apprehensive but so excited because I had put the work in.

Weigh in Wednesday - 69.7kgs. YES! A 1.1kg loss. Amazing. Well, not that amazing when the reality is if you do the work you get the results. But amazing that I'd done all this work and it paid off. I was over the moon.

Then something changed. I slipped. I had Wed evening out for a work thing so I had planned to skip the gym. Then for some reason on Thursday I decided to not go again. And then I decided to eat. I was tired, I'd fallen off track,  I managed to find time to myself at home and I ate. Then on Friday I was down that I ate, so I ate. Logical I know! Weekends are never great calorie deficit days, but if I'm on track during the week I still have good results.

So what did I do Monday? The day I knew in my head I could turn it all around. I went to town!! You name it I ate it. Almost 2700 calories worth. I had a shitty sleep Sunday night caused by booking holidays late on Sunday. Go figure - something that is meant to bring me happiness cripples how I start the week. And you know that motivational phrase "start something how you intend to finish it".

So how did my next weigh in go you might ask? Oh, fan - bloody - tactic!  71.1kgs. Great! Only a 1.4kg gain. Reverse last week's efforts and then some. You don't do things in halves do you Lauren.

Sad but true - for now.

You know the hardest part - when I'm making the choice to go and eat to suppress my emotions - in the moment I am floating above myself consciously watching myself making my unconscious maneuvers in order to eat more. Whether it be walking to a take away shop deep down I don't want to eat from, withdrawing cash from an ATM (cash point) to fund my guilty fixes, timing my leaving work to ensure I have enough time to get to shop before home, coercing out of my partner through vague texts when he will be at home vs gym so I know when I can get away with eating in privacy. ARGHHHHHH!!!!!  You name it I do it. It is so frustrating. I'm a sneaky bastard about it. My brain is aware I shouldn't be doing it. I just haven't mastered the art of pulling myself out of it. I can see what is happening, I just can't pull myself out of it.

Which brings me to my next deep realisation. The fact that I cannot snap myself out of those moments even though I can see them happening before my eyes (almost in slow motion sometimes - does anyone else get that?). The fact that I can't bring myself out of those moments is either one of two things:

1. I either don't know how to fix it (even though I have spent numerous lengthy pockets of time randomly/haphazardly researching the issue). I don't know. Maybe I need to approach the research in a more structured way.
2. Or dare I admit it - I'm scared that I don't have the strength to combat it. That it's in the "too hard basket". That I'll fail miserably.

Sigh. What is a girl to do?