Reflecting on the week gone by
We come to my first weekly reflection after I have made the focus about my binge eating habits. Well, it isn't pretty, I'll admit. And I'm sure once I've written it up and hit "post" on this entry I'll feel very embarrassed. But I really need to work on this problem, and I find writing to be extremely therapeutic, so here it goes:
The Damage:
Monday:
Ate very well during the day at work. Was month end deadline and I am in a grand new job so not only is it busy due to the deadline, it's quite draining in the way that I am learning so my mind is active all day. On leaving work, heading to the gym, I couldn't help myself and pulled in to a Tesco and grabbed a bottle of coke zero and a snickers. I was actually pretty proud of myself for buying only this. On walking in I wanted chocolate, and a big bag of chips or something.
I ate the snickers very slowly compared to usual. Ate half across 15 minutes whilst waiting for the train. Then ate the other half towards the end of the train journey, again slowly. You readers will see that eating slowly when straying from my diet is not a common theme.
Tuesday:
Can't remember eating anything too out of hand. I was extremely hungry during the day at work so snacked a lot. But my snacks were made up of healthy foods I had at my desk - a banana, grapes, almonds, teas & instant coffees, and rice cakes. It's not so bad, but I know I'm consuming too much if my focus was on losing weight.
Wednesday:
Recovery day after two very busy days at work. I didn't feel like my packed lunch so went to buy a sushi pack for lunch. Couldn't help myself after purchasing lunch - went to Tesco to buy some coke zero to go with my meal. Ended up buying two single serve packets of potato chips. Went and had lunch in the park. Ate half the sushi box. Felt satisified. Not overly full, which to a normal person is time to stop eating - not me!! I then scoffed down both packets of chips quicker than you could say "original smith'crisps". Went back to work feeling incredibly uncomfortably full.
Thursday - the worst day:
Had to have a super quick lunch before I was stuck in two job interviews (as the interviewer). Quickly ate the remaining half of the sushi box from yesterday then got back to work. After the interviews I decided to go to the park again to enjoy a lunch break - it's so nice and relaxing getting outside in the greenery when London has lovely weather. Again, couldn't help myself - dropped by Tesco on the way to the park (which isn't really on the way - I need to detour in the opposite direction, then backtrack - and grabbed another couple of bags of chips. Scoffed them down at the park during what should have been my relaxing down time).
Come Thursday afternoon, I was feeling very sore and drained. I had been to the gym each evening of the week so far. I had very sore muscles and I just wasn't getting the amount of sleep I wanted to. I decided to tell T I wouldn't be joining him for a gym session. I needed to work late and was going to then go home and get an early night.
What did I really do? I left work semi-late - not that late. Stopped by in kfc near home, making sure I didn't communicate to T what train I was on as he would then expect me home at a certain time. I purchased some thing that is a variety bucket or something. Engorged on 3 pieces of chicken, a fillet piece thing, 2 hot wings, and fries. Yuck. I remember feeling full when I was starting my 3rd piece of chicken. But oh no, I've got to keep going. It's there in front of me, and I can't eat this stuff when other people are around so I've got to make the most of it when I've got some alone time.
Texting T I worked out that he had only just arrived at the gym right when I was leaving KFC. "Perfect" my binging mind thought. I had over an hour at home alone. "I will swing by the shops. Not the shop closest to home because the guy that regularly works there has seen me purchase a magnum & family sized bag of chips plenty of times. I don't want him to see me do it again. Off to the 2nd closest shops I go." Get home. Engulf all of that food in a space of about half hour I'd say. Because you know, I want it all but I need to make sure it's consumed before T gets home. Oh and I almost forgot - had a half eaten bag of starbursts in my backpack in the lounge (a regular hiding place of any uneaten or eaten food - as I know T would never look in it). I can munch on those lollies until he gets home. Just need to hide the wrappers.
T gets home - I tell him I won't be having dinner as I was a bit emotional so I got a magnum. I'm full now though and it's the same calories as dinner so I'll just call that my dinner. All lies obviously.
Before you ask - yes I am ashamed. Well and truly. But no one wins when they are dishonest with themselves. I need to go through this process and wake up to what I am doing.
Friday:
Lunch at work. Packed lunch perfectly measured to 300 calories. Great job Lauren. Let's go spend the remainder of your lunch break in the park to enjoy this amazing weather. Gosh the weather in London has been amazing this week. No rain and so warm. Ohhhh, I will stop by Tesco on the way to the park again. 2 bags of chips? Yep. Coke zero? Yep. What else can I find? A bag of maltesers? Yep. Ate the 2 packets of chips and coke in the park. Ran out of time to eat the maltesers. Hid them in my handbag until another opportunity presents itself. The funny thing of it all is I would have so much more time relaxing in the park if I didn't get the food. And the park is my favourite part of lunch time.
Moving on.
Oh, had a bonus at the gym. All the wrappers from the food I'd eaten during the week - snickers, bag of chips from the wknd before etc etc were hiding in my gym bag waiting for an opportune time to destroy the evidence. No one was in the change room when I was grabbing my bag to leave - perfect time to get rid of it all. In the bin it goes.
Saturday:
Had a wonderful cheap weekend day planned, as we're still on a tight budget while we find our feet financially in London. Plans were to get up, watch a few episodes of Survivor, write a few blog entries that have been on the back burner for a little while, then work through some of my Europe photos with Photoshop. I really enjoy that.
How it eventuates: I get up, have brekkie, nag at T a little because the kitchen is a mess from his crap, then because he hasn't put tissues on the shopping list. There's none left and I need one. He uses the most, he should make sure our supplies are high. That's my argument anyway. T disappears to the bedroom. Yep, he's down. He will be down and in a sulk for the rest of the day now. Great. I'm stressed. I can't focus on what my awesome Saturday plans were because I'm distracted that my man has the sooks. Ugh. So fired up and mad. Consumed the maltesers and remaining starburst while he was gone. Ended up sleeping for four hours straight afterwards just to avoid it all. Woke up. Didn't want to talk to him. Went to the shops - family bag of chips, 2 x magnums, bottle of wine, 3 cans coke zero. Downed a magnum, bag of chips & wine in front of him. Didn't actually care what he saw at that point. Usually I do.
The Aftermath:
Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. What have I done? Every single day I've strayed from my meal plan. In excess. It's disgusting to look at. No one needs that much food. And that standard of food either. My body doesn't want that shit. That's why I feel so depressed afterwards. It's my minds way of showing me it's sad that I'm doing this to my body.
Assessment:
Common Themes:
Mon & Tues: these were my busy days at work. It seems I was more aware of my poor eating earlier in the week and when I was more busy. I need to make a concerted effort to not swing by the shops on the way to the train station. Yes it was a detour. It did not need to happen. I do not need chocolate after a busy work day in order to make me feel better.
Wed-Fri: chips at lunch. Every bloody day. And I can tell why. After month end, well even during month end, my job is boring as bat shit. I don't notice at month end though because I'm too busy. After the busy-ness has died down I'm bored out of my mind. I guess lunch time is where I suppress that emotion. So I don't lose my mind. Head to the park and drown out the emotion of boredom with lots and lots of chips.
Solution: enjoy some time at the park without taking your wallet. You do not need to buy anything to refresh yourself ready for the second half of the day.
Thursday night: this was an absolute disaster. I think this was almost a full week of emotions rolled up into one gigantic binge fest. As I said, I was physically sore from gym workouts, I was tired from lack of sleep, and I'd already had a mixed bag at work for the week - too busy to eat, then too bored not to. I need to learn a new way to cope with this onslaught of emotions hitting my mind.
Solution: stick to the plan. Ride the wave. Go to the gym after work. Eat your calorie controlled dinner you had planned. You will probably feel just as "recovered" from the day as you did in your binge fest. Only you haven't put your stomach through the ringer in the process.
Well I feel emotionally drained after writing this post. That was really really hard. To see it in one big entry like that. I've got a problem. The good news? I've recognised some key moments when I'm at risk of binging. And those moments are going to hit me this week coming. I'm going to try my best to recognise those moments and apply those solutions I've given myself. It's all about improving. And when we fall down it's about picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and trying again.
The Damage:
Monday:
Ate very well during the day at work. Was month end deadline and I am in a grand new job so not only is it busy due to the deadline, it's quite draining in the way that I am learning so my mind is active all day. On leaving work, heading to the gym, I couldn't help myself and pulled in to a Tesco and grabbed a bottle of coke zero and a snickers. I was actually pretty proud of myself for buying only this. On walking in I wanted chocolate, and a big bag of chips or something.
I ate the snickers very slowly compared to usual. Ate half across 15 minutes whilst waiting for the train. Then ate the other half towards the end of the train journey, again slowly. You readers will see that eating slowly when straying from my diet is not a common theme.
Tuesday:
Can't remember eating anything too out of hand. I was extremely hungry during the day at work so snacked a lot. But my snacks were made up of healthy foods I had at my desk - a banana, grapes, almonds, teas & instant coffees, and rice cakes. It's not so bad, but I know I'm consuming too much if my focus was on losing weight.
Wednesday:
Recovery day after two very busy days at work. I didn't feel like my packed lunch so went to buy a sushi pack for lunch. Couldn't help myself after purchasing lunch - went to Tesco to buy some coke zero to go with my meal. Ended up buying two single serve packets of potato chips. Went and had lunch in the park. Ate half the sushi box. Felt satisified. Not overly full, which to a normal person is time to stop eating - not me!! I then scoffed down both packets of chips quicker than you could say "original smith'crisps". Went back to work feeling incredibly uncomfortably full.
Thursday - the worst day:
Had to have a super quick lunch before I was stuck in two job interviews (as the interviewer). Quickly ate the remaining half of the sushi box from yesterday then got back to work. After the interviews I decided to go to the park again to enjoy a lunch break - it's so nice and relaxing getting outside in the greenery when London has lovely weather. Again, couldn't help myself - dropped by Tesco on the way to the park (which isn't really on the way - I need to detour in the opposite direction, then backtrack - and grabbed another couple of bags of chips. Scoffed them down at the park during what should have been my relaxing down time).
Come Thursday afternoon, I was feeling very sore and drained. I had been to the gym each evening of the week so far. I had very sore muscles and I just wasn't getting the amount of sleep I wanted to. I decided to tell T I wouldn't be joining him for a gym session. I needed to work late and was going to then go home and get an early night.
What did I really do? I left work semi-late - not that late. Stopped by in kfc near home, making sure I didn't communicate to T what train I was on as he would then expect me home at a certain time. I purchased some thing that is a variety bucket or something. Engorged on 3 pieces of chicken, a fillet piece thing, 2 hot wings, and fries. Yuck. I remember feeling full when I was starting my 3rd piece of chicken. But oh no, I've got to keep going. It's there in front of me, and I can't eat this stuff when other people are around so I've got to make the most of it when I've got some alone time.
Texting T I worked out that he had only just arrived at the gym right when I was leaving KFC. "Perfect" my binging mind thought. I had over an hour at home alone. "I will swing by the shops. Not the shop closest to home because the guy that regularly works there has seen me purchase a magnum & family sized bag of chips plenty of times. I don't want him to see me do it again. Off to the 2nd closest shops I go." Get home. Engulf all of that food in a space of about half hour I'd say. Because you know, I want it all but I need to make sure it's consumed before T gets home. Oh and I almost forgot - had a half eaten bag of starbursts in my backpack in the lounge (a regular hiding place of any uneaten or eaten food - as I know T would never look in it). I can munch on those lollies until he gets home. Just need to hide the wrappers.
T gets home - I tell him I won't be having dinner as I was a bit emotional so I got a magnum. I'm full now though and it's the same calories as dinner so I'll just call that my dinner. All lies obviously.
Before you ask - yes I am ashamed. Well and truly. But no one wins when they are dishonest with themselves. I need to go through this process and wake up to what I am doing.
Friday:
Lunch at work. Packed lunch perfectly measured to 300 calories. Great job Lauren. Let's go spend the remainder of your lunch break in the park to enjoy this amazing weather. Gosh the weather in London has been amazing this week. No rain and so warm. Ohhhh, I will stop by Tesco on the way to the park again. 2 bags of chips? Yep. Coke zero? Yep. What else can I find? A bag of maltesers? Yep. Ate the 2 packets of chips and coke in the park. Ran out of time to eat the maltesers. Hid them in my handbag until another opportunity presents itself. The funny thing of it all is I would have so much more time relaxing in the park if I didn't get the food. And the park is my favourite part of lunch time.
Moving on.
Oh, had a bonus at the gym. All the wrappers from the food I'd eaten during the week - snickers, bag of chips from the wknd before etc etc were hiding in my gym bag waiting for an opportune time to destroy the evidence. No one was in the change room when I was grabbing my bag to leave - perfect time to get rid of it all. In the bin it goes.
Saturday:
Had a wonderful cheap weekend day planned, as we're still on a tight budget while we find our feet financially in London. Plans were to get up, watch a few episodes of Survivor, write a few blog entries that have been on the back burner for a little while, then work through some of my Europe photos with Photoshop. I really enjoy that.
How it eventuates: I get up, have brekkie, nag at T a little because the kitchen is a mess from his crap, then because he hasn't put tissues on the shopping list. There's none left and I need one. He uses the most, he should make sure our supplies are high. That's my argument anyway. T disappears to the bedroom. Yep, he's down. He will be down and in a sulk for the rest of the day now. Great. I'm stressed. I can't focus on what my awesome Saturday plans were because I'm distracted that my man has the sooks. Ugh. So fired up and mad. Consumed the maltesers and remaining starburst while he was gone. Ended up sleeping for four hours straight afterwards just to avoid it all. Woke up. Didn't want to talk to him. Went to the shops - family bag of chips, 2 x magnums, bottle of wine, 3 cans coke zero. Downed a magnum, bag of chips & wine in front of him. Didn't actually care what he saw at that point. Usually I do.
The Aftermath:
Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. What have I done? Every single day I've strayed from my meal plan. In excess. It's disgusting to look at. No one needs that much food. And that standard of food either. My body doesn't want that shit. That's why I feel so depressed afterwards. It's my minds way of showing me it's sad that I'm doing this to my body.
Assessment:
Common Themes:
Mon & Tues: these were my busy days at work. It seems I was more aware of my poor eating earlier in the week and when I was more busy. I need to make a concerted effort to not swing by the shops on the way to the train station. Yes it was a detour. It did not need to happen. I do not need chocolate after a busy work day in order to make me feel better.
Wed-Fri: chips at lunch. Every bloody day. And I can tell why. After month end, well even during month end, my job is boring as bat shit. I don't notice at month end though because I'm too busy. After the busy-ness has died down I'm bored out of my mind. I guess lunch time is where I suppress that emotion. So I don't lose my mind. Head to the park and drown out the emotion of boredom with lots and lots of chips.
Solution: enjoy some time at the park without taking your wallet. You do not need to buy anything to refresh yourself ready for the second half of the day.
Thursday night: this was an absolute disaster. I think this was almost a full week of emotions rolled up into one gigantic binge fest. As I said, I was physically sore from gym workouts, I was tired from lack of sleep, and I'd already had a mixed bag at work for the week - too busy to eat, then too bored not to. I need to learn a new way to cope with this onslaught of emotions hitting my mind.
Solution: stick to the plan. Ride the wave. Go to the gym after work. Eat your calorie controlled dinner you had planned. You will probably feel just as "recovered" from the day as you did in your binge fest. Only you haven't put your stomach through the ringer in the process.
Well I feel emotionally drained after writing this post. That was really really hard. To see it in one big entry like that. I've got a problem. The good news? I've recognised some key moments when I'm at risk of binging. And those moments are going to hit me this week coming. I'm going to try my best to recognise those moments and apply those solutions I've given myself. It's all about improving. And when we fall down it's about picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and trying again.
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